chuckles -- Jokes and other humorous things.

 

About chuckles
English (USA)

Welcome to the chuckles@mcs.anl.gov mailing list. This is a list
intended for folks in the MCS community to use for jokes and other
humorous type stuff that circulates around the net or might have
been generated locally.

Here's a good example... enjoy.

=======================================================================

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're
eating sandwiches."
--Jim Carrey

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is
that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in
a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually
bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.
One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher

"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."
--Jay Mohr

"A women broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing
and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."
--Bob Saget

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is
still far away."
--Billiam Coronell

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should
hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
--Larry Miller

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too."
--Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
--Garry Shandling

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon
there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get
past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got
the toe clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
--Marilyn Pittman

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You
know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a
little bit?"
--Garry Shandling

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast."
--Johnathan Katz

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
--Lily Tomlin

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni

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